malady

this
sickness
is
killing
me
slowly

i don't want to be infertile. i don't want pain. i don't want to sit on the floor of my bathroom, leaning against the door, trying to catch my breath, night in, night out. i don't want painkillers. i don't want to have to sleep it away. i don't want to have to double up in bed and cry about how unfair it is, how i don't deserve this. it feels like i'm rotting from the inside out, that something in there is burning and dying. i don't want you to worry about me. i'm sorry for pushing you away, it hurts for you to hug me.

this hurts so much.