sick and tired

people just keep getting uglier and uglier.

i’m naturally observant, and naturally aggressive. so when i see oversized sunglasses, coontails and neon-pink converse, i want to pick up an armalite AR-10 carbine gas-powered semi-automatic weapon and stalk from hangout to hangout, pumping round after round into scenefags and indiekids.

i look at billboards, magazine advertisements, nu-indie bands, internet models and so on, and i watch to vomit all over their quasi-beautiful images. i don’t find a drunk-looking girl with massive glasses and a cigarette attractive, and i don’t find her protuberant ribs attractive either. what saddens me is that most people i know (even the ones i respect - to a point) would look at that image and see a goddess. they want to be like her. they want to starve themselves.

think about it.
people starve themselves.


i want to live in a far-off galaxy, on an orange farm.

Oh hello, hypochondria.

Fissure

If having free will means we break the laws of physics, then so be it.


Let's go create a black hole together.

belong

prolong.

i never was a big fan of "cliques". i never really followed a "crowd". and, thinking retrospectively, i was always outside any inner sanctum of people. sure, i hung around with groups, and chatted and talked and confided, but i always felt disconnected. i hadn't shared my childhood with any of these people. i hadn't grown up with them. i didn't feel as wanted as them. maybe that's because of the fact that i was always in flux during my childhood and teenaged years. always moving country, or house, or school. always leaving a group of friends to try and fit in with another, and i always knew that i never would.

it started in dublin. i spent my first year of school there, and the general consensus was that the people who knew each other from kindergarten were super cool, and the other kids were outsiders.
i moved to cork in senior infants. i was the new girl, and everyone stared, and people were quiet and careful around me, and the teachers didn't know what to think. i don't remember who my friend was, then.
we moved to primary school. i began to fit in, and those six years were the longest period of friendships in my life. i made two really great friends: sandra and elaine, and we drew and traded pokémon cards to our hearts' content.
towards the end of primary school, people started to change. decisions had to be made, and some of us went to a school outside our town. the majority went to the local community school. i wasn't very familiar with the girls i was moving with, but i liked them.
secondary school began. first year was awkward at first. groups tip-toed around each other, trying to find openings and similarities, and eventually we began to settle, and understand each other. second year was more comfortable, and third year was a riot of rivalries and activity.
my parents decided to change my school, then. i raged and ranted and stormed and argued and ignored, but they wouldn't change their minds. i was going to go to a school where i knew no one, and where no one knew me. my first day was agonising. i imagined all the girls in my old school, and i was furiously jealous of the new friendships they would forge while i struggled to fit in, ONCE again.
surprisingly, i was welcomed with open arms. people liked me. i was small and easily excitable, and i was unpredictable and slightly rude. they loved it, god knows why. i made friends with a small group within the year who weren't as plastic-coated, and fifth year passed without any major fuckups.
sixth year was different. everyone was older than me, and soon everyone was going to the pub, and hitting the clubs, and i was left behind. my parents were strict, and i was too young, quickly getting too young for the crowd that threatened to swallow me up.
i backed away. i was scared by the sex and the drinking and the adulthood.
i found something in the fifth years at the time. they appealed to me more - they played guitar and hung out on the beach. they were as young as me, and i wanted to be like them. i gently poked my nose into their lives, and for a while i felt like i could belong again.
for a while.

things change, people change.
lack of understanding destroyed my friendship with the latter group. my life turned upside down, and no one could bring themselves to walk in my shoes. prejudice reigned. some whispered scornfully ("manipulative bitch") behind my back. i ignored it as best i could, and went on with trying to find myself a home.

then, i found him.
another unsure, wandering soul. another weirdo, another outsider.
i fell for him; my other half.
i don't romanticize it. i don't sugarcoat it.
he gets me. i get him.




and in the end, that's pretty much all you need.
trial and error.
i'm happy now.

premature

Hi.
My name is Ayfa Çao Rebekah Twomey.
I'm nineteen years old,

and I'm tired of life.




I moved out of my parental home two years ago.
I pay bills.
I pay rent.
I pick up my social services payment every Thursday.

I've stopped making my own meals.
My new haircuts and piercings no longer thrill me.
I dream of sunnier times.
I want to be alone more and more.

People wear me out.
My friends are going, going, gone.

We're born, we grow up.
Growing up is all about discovery.
We discover life during childhood.
We discover ourselves during teenagehood.
We discover true love during adulthood.

We go to college, or get a job, and we get paid every week or month.
We meet someone.
We get married, or whatever our creed allows / dictates.
We have children.

Then the discovery is gone.
We've discovered life, ourselves, love, education, work, marriage, childbirth.

And then we wait to die.




Going, going...




I want him to say he loves me, just once.

divinity

search for god in your own mind, first.

it might have already been mentioned that i am not, in any way, atheist or agnostic. in fact, i prefer to disassociate myself from all topics of religion in general. i am indifferent to most beliefs. that does not, however, mean that i don't enjoy talking and thinking about it. i may distance myself from the argument of whether god exists (how would i know? how would you know?), but i do like to ponder the topic of belief and faith in general.

to me, faith is a security blanket, brought on by the fear of death. most humans do not want to simply end when their physical life ceases. we are terrified by the unknown. we fear that which we do not understand. therefore, heaven and hell exist, and religious people feel secure in the knowledge that their everlasting souls are, indeed, everlasting. and i have no problem with this! if they believe that there is something more, let them. what i do not agree with, however, is the idea of hell. what loving, caring, forgiving god would send some of his beloved children to an eternity of suffering and pain? isn't his love supposed to encompass all? think about it.

and now. organised religion. a government in its own right. a following headed by the pope (the voice of god, yes, yes...) dominating a huge portion of the world. believe it or not, it can overthrow an entire government. to what end? those bishops and priests are humans, just like the rest of us. in my mind, they have no divine right over us. do i hear an echo of "we are all equal, but some are more equal than others"? forgive me, but i hate organised religion. let people make up their own minds before placing them into a creed. can newborn infants choose their own religion? no! they don't have a choice when "holy" water is splashed into their faces and they are suddenly children of god. they can't walk, they can't talk, and now they are christian. baptism should not occur until later in life, in my opinion. let people grow a personality, first. let them learn, and then let them make a choice.

the only thing i believe in is the power of human will. i refuse to be dictated by a set of laws written by a god i am not sure exists. i refuse to be led by this divine, invisible hierarchy. humans live amongst each other. humans understand humans, or at least try to. we share this earth, and we live or our lives, and so we should be allowed to make our choices, and to form our own moralities. people see problems with this because they don't know anything else. from birth they were brainwashed by society, and now they are walking along a line drawn by.. whom?

i am trying to break free.
i am trying to become myself.
will i ever succeed?
who knows?

and, in other news, i am doing fine. soul-searching is fun.
peace. ♥

construct

just you try and stop me.

so, random reader, i am still alive and breathing. it took a lot of tears (most of them swallowed, causing mild nausea), and a worrying lack of eating and sleeping before things began to settle again, and settle they did. unfortunately, a brief spate of bad depression had to be endured before my mind righted itself, and the worst thing about that low was that i was completely aware of what i was doing. unpleasant, yes. normally you're numbed to all things mundane when your mental health is at risk-level, but this time i knew i had to get myself out of it, and i knew i could make myself better. thanks to a little help from my other half and several other dear friends, i managed to make it back up to the surface.

and it seems that i'm better than ever! i made my own food (shock), cleaned myself up (shock), tidied my room (triple hxc shock) and made social plans for this evening (yes, another shock). a cleaning party for two has been arranged for the next obstacle: the kitchen (dread). i prefer cleaning in twos, though. we're all in this together, battling the balrog, etc.

apart from that, i'm taking a brief hiatus from most things virtual at the moment (exceptions include fleeting visits to social networking sites, blogging and dlsing). if i appear to be online at a given time, ASSUME OTHERWISE. i'm probably not in the mood to talk. nothing personal. true to my.. endearing custom, i may disappear without warning. likewise, nothing personal.



IN OTHER NEWS:
something fun for 2010?
tim burton's version of alice in wonderland, with johnny depp as the mad hatter (er.. let's pray that it isn't yet another jack sparrow-esque performance. the first four* were lovely, we are ready for change), alan rickman as the caterpillar (fuck yeah. fucking adore alan rickman.) AND stephen fry as the cheshire cat.

i do, however, have my doubts. it has the potential to turn into another nightmare before christmas, ie: emo fangirls with merchandise glued to their persons and ridiculously goffic / tweenaged target audience. please, mister burton, make it delicious.

www.hecklerspray.com:
"Well, since Alice in Wonderland is a Tim Burton movie that stars Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter, it’s probably fair to describe it as Charlie And The Chocolate Factory but without all the boring parts where people break into song for no reason. Or, if you’re feeling kinder, Sweeney Todd but without all the boring parts where people break into song for no reason. Or, if you’re feeling kinder still, The Corpse Bride but without all the boring parts where people break into song for no reason.

Unless in Alice In Wonderland people do break into song for no reason. In which case we’re all buggered."

while i disagree with most of this rather mordant remark made by an unnamed author (being a huge fan of the corpse bride and - to a lesser extent - sweeney todd, and charlie and co.), i grew progressively more worried as i pondered the complexities of this overtly-aggressive piece of literature. yes, i do understand that disney's rather wonderful take on alice was filled with cheery and colourful songs, but it would most certainly disturb me to have dear johnny, alan and stephen warbling along to "you can learn a lot of things from the flowers". no, thank you. i would prefer a truly insane hat-wearing tea-junkie, a huge, introspective and slightly dazed insect, and a crazed, riddle-loving catperson, PLEASE. nothing would please me more.

the image of johnny depp on an emoteen's t-shirt haunts my thoughts.

then again. alan rickman as the caterpillar and stephen fry as the cheshire cat. it could be, for lack of a better word, FUCKING EPIC.


i'm hungry, again, so i'm going to fly. expect some more of these er, brusque blogs in future. i'm working on improving myself, and it takes time and effort.

wish me luck. ♥


* i may be biased, but in my opinion, depp's portrayal of willy wonka reminded me a little too much of cap'n jack sparrow. but that might be just me.