sluggish.
i don't deserve to be blessed with the generosity of my peers and family. my parents have already given me over a grand to get that online psychology college course i needed, and all my friends have provided a residence when i needed it in the past. so why am i so ungrateful? of course, i thank them when they offer me these priceless gifts, but in my heart i feel that i can do better than that, that i can give more in return. or maybe i can't. maybe i'm talking total bullshit; i usually do. maybe, maybe maybe.
i took the day off work today. pointless, really, since tomorrow is my last day. wooo, redundancy. fuck the recession.. i was having a good time in that little shop. i was paid well, and the hours were more than ideal. fat chance of getting that wonderful opportunity again. so now i'm just vegetating, skimming through my social networking sites - curse them - and looking up random poetry shit. god, i delude myself with visions of grandeur, and here i am, jobless and stupid, lying in my bed, alone.
the key-word there was alone, if you noticed it. i'm not going to bother the general public with my confessions of a girlfriend made of fail, but i just need to get this burden off my shoulders. how in god's name does one go about saying it? must it be in a ridiculously romantic setting? candles and drapes and a dinner for two? sunsets, beaches, mountains, puppies, lingerie, down on one knee kind of thing? because if there's one thing i i'm totally clueless about, it's love and romance. when the hell have i ever had that? i literally TOLD people NOT to say the L word to me, honest to god. infatuation was a factor, obviously, but i never had a candlelit dinner, or walks on the beach holding hands, or adoring gazes, or, well.. anything. i've avoided it, if you want me to tell the truth. i've actually pushed people away if they got too lovey-dovey on me, because i had this big cool "i don't care" image about me and i stayed true to it, until now.
i'm so screwed, random reader. i was born with my romance count in the minus numbers. i sneer at those simpering couples with their massive flashing I LOVE YOU signs over their heads. i get uncomfortable watching overly romantic movies. i wonder what's wrong with me, what this mental block i have is. maybe it's an actual condition, triggered by erm, non-existant childhood experiences... who am i kidding, i'm just scared of myself.
and that's what's gotten me into trouble. my relationship seems to be falling apart, drifting without that lovely love anchor everyone else in the world seems to have. i'm so starved, it feels like my heart is eating itself.
o, random reader, i implore your aid. if you ever read this - HIGHLY unlikely - please tell me how you achieved that momentous feat yourself. did you jump the hurdle by means of a table for two? was it a blissfully perfect beach encounter? and most importantly, was it multiplied by two? i dream of the day when i'll have the courage to adhere to that mythical tradition. when somehow "having sex" is turned into "making love", and life is suddenly perfect and painfree.
now, i'm going to watch some anime, because i'm cool like that.
peace out.
♥
