Thursday, October 29, 2009
Sunday, October 4, 2009
I am awfully in love.
Not in a kissy kissy, lovey dovey, look at me and all my pictures of myself kissing my boyfriend way.
Not even in a stay away from your friends, always on the phone, never stop talking about him way.
I just love him.
I don't love everyone else's opinion of "us".
I don't love everyone else's "us".
Just him.
Finally getting a moment to ourselves, eating dinner quietly with each other, falling asleep against the rise-and-fall of his back.
Occasional phonecalls when I'm away.
Very occasional proclamations - all the better; what's rare is wonderful.
We're like a married couple, but still with the fireworks.
It's a private show, and I'm so fucking lucky.
That's all.
Not in a kissy kissy, lovey dovey, look at me and all my pictures of myself kissing my boyfriend way.
Not even in a stay away from your friends, always on the phone, never stop talking about him way.
I just love him.
I don't love everyone else's opinion of "us".
I don't love everyone else's "us".
Just him.
Finally getting a moment to ourselves, eating dinner quietly with each other, falling asleep against the rise-and-fall of his back.
Occasional phonecalls when I'm away.
Very occasional proclamations - all the better; what's rare is wonderful.
We're like a married couple, but still with the fireworks.
It's a private show, and I'm so fucking lucky.
That's all.
Friday, September 11, 2009
exeunt
listening to florence and the machine, lovely stuff.
i feel a little transcendent, a little removed from reality.
escaping is nice, but it can't happen for too long. there's rent to pay. bills to take care of. health issues to worry about. parents to mollify. relationships to fix. journeys to arrange. apartments to clean. hair to dye.
mm, well, maybe it's not all that bad. but it's real, and it needs concentration when all i want to do is lie down and cry. i was reading about the menstrual cycle a few days ago, and apparently this urge to demolish is caused by withdrawal symptoms. when your body realises it's not pregnant it gets grumpy and dumps all your happy hormones. thus my screaming rages.
:D !
on a more positive note:
i'm being blessed with a beautiful kitten sometime next week. i'm hoping this will help calm me. i'm not naturally a nurturing person, so this will bring a good side to me.
and calm ayfa equals happy ayfa, which equals happy relationship.
also, i'm jaunting up to see coldplay this weekend. they should be good. i've been a fan since before i can remember, thanks mom.
i finally got diagnosed last week, after two years of incompetent doctors. so once i get all my tests sorted out, i should be well on my way to full recovery.
it's a pity i get so bogged down by the negative side of life.
Monday, August 31, 2009
sick and tired
people just keep getting uglier and uglier.
i’m naturally observant, and naturally aggressive. so when i see oversized sunglasses, coontails and neon-pink converse, i want to pick up an armalite AR-10 carbine gas-powered semi-automatic weapon and stalk from hangout to hangout, pumping round after round into scenefags and indiekids.
i look at billboards, magazine advertisements, nu-indie bands, internet models and so on, and i watch to vomit all over their quasi-beautiful images. i don’t find a drunk-looking girl with massive glasses and a cigarette attractive, and i don’t find her protuberant ribs attractive either. what saddens me is that most people i know (even the ones i respect - to a point) would look at that image and see a goddess. they want to be like her. they want to starve themselves.
think about it.
people starve themselves.
i want to live in a far-off galaxy, on an orange farm.
i’m naturally observant, and naturally aggressive. so when i see oversized sunglasses, coontails and neon-pink converse, i want to pick up an armalite AR-10 carbine gas-powered semi-automatic weapon and stalk from hangout to hangout, pumping round after round into scenefags and indiekids.
i look at billboards, magazine advertisements, nu-indie bands, internet models and so on, and i watch to vomit all over their quasi-beautiful images. i don’t find a drunk-looking girl with massive glasses and a cigarette attractive, and i don’t find her protuberant ribs attractive either. what saddens me is that most people i know (even the ones i respect - to a point) would look at that image and see a goddess. they want to be like her. they want to starve themselves.
think about it.
people starve themselves.
i want to live in a far-off galaxy, on an orange farm.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Fissure
If having free will means we break the laws of physics, then so be it.
Let's go create a black hole together.
Let's go create a black hole together.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
belong
prolong.i never was a big fan of "cliques". i never really followed a "crowd". and, thinking retrospectively, i was always outside any inner sanctum of people. sure, i hung around with groups, and chatted and talked and confided, but i always felt disconnected. i hadn't shared my childhood with any of these people. i hadn't grown up with them. i didn't feel as wanted as them. maybe that's because of the fact that i was always in flux during my childhood and teenaged years. always moving country, or house, or school. always leaving a group of friends to try and fit in with another, and i always knew that i never would.
it started in dublin. i spent my first year of school there, and the general consensus was that the people who knew each other from kindergarten were super cool, and the other kids were outsiders.
i moved to cork in senior infants. i was the new girl, and everyone stared, and people were quiet and careful around me, and the teachers didn't know what to think. i don't remember who my friend was, then.
we moved to primary school. i began to fit in, and those six years were the longest period of friendships in my life. i made two really great friends: sandra and elaine, and we drew and traded pokémon cards to our hearts' content.
towards the end of primary school, people started to change. decisions had to be made, and some of us went to a school outside our town. the majority went to the local community school. i wasn't very familiar with the girls i was moving with, but i liked them.
secondary school began. first year was awkward at first. groups tip-toed around each other, trying to find openings and similarities, and eventually we began to settle, and understand each other. second year was more comfortable, and third year was a riot of rivalries and activity.
my parents decided to change my school, then. i raged and ranted and stormed and argued and ignored, but they wouldn't change their minds. i was going to go to a school where i knew no one, and where no one knew me. my first day was agonising. i imagined all the girls in my old school, and i was furiously jealous of the new friendships they would forge while i struggled to fit in, ONCE again.
surprisingly, i was welcomed with open arms. people liked me. i was small and easily excitable, and i was unpredictable and slightly rude. they loved it, god knows why. i made friends with a small group within the year who weren't as plastic-coated, and fifth year passed without any major fuckups.
sixth year was different. everyone was older than me, and soon everyone was going to the pub, and hitting the clubs, and i was left behind. my parents were strict, and i was too young, quickly getting too young for the crowd that threatened to swallow me up.
i backed away. i was scared by the sex and the drinking and the adulthood.
i found something in the fifth years at the time. they appealed to me more - they played guitar and hung out on the beach. they were as young as me, and i wanted to be like them. i gently poked my nose into their lives, and for a while i felt like i could belong again.
for a while.
things change, people change.
lack of understanding destroyed my friendship with the latter group. my life turned upside down, and no one could bring themselves to walk in my shoes. prejudice reigned. some whispered scornfully ("manipulative bitch") behind my back. i ignored it as best i could, and went on with trying to find myself a home.
then, i found him.
another unsure, wandering soul. another weirdo, another outsider.
i fell for him; my other half.
i don't romanticize it. i don't sugarcoat it.
he gets me. i get him.
and in the end, that's pretty much all you need.
trial and error.
i'm happy now.
it started in dublin. i spent my first year of school there, and the general consensus was that the people who knew each other from kindergarten were super cool, and the other kids were outsiders.
i moved to cork in senior infants. i was the new girl, and everyone stared, and people were quiet and careful around me, and the teachers didn't know what to think. i don't remember who my friend was, then.
we moved to primary school. i began to fit in, and those six years were the longest period of friendships in my life. i made two really great friends: sandra and elaine, and we drew and traded pokémon cards to our hearts' content.
towards the end of primary school, people started to change. decisions had to be made, and some of us went to a school outside our town. the majority went to the local community school. i wasn't very familiar with the girls i was moving with, but i liked them.
secondary school began. first year was awkward at first. groups tip-toed around each other, trying to find openings and similarities, and eventually we began to settle, and understand each other. second year was more comfortable, and third year was a riot of rivalries and activity.
my parents decided to change my school, then. i raged and ranted and stormed and argued and ignored, but they wouldn't change their minds. i was going to go to a school where i knew no one, and where no one knew me. my first day was agonising. i imagined all the girls in my old school, and i was furiously jealous of the new friendships they would forge while i struggled to fit in, ONCE again.
surprisingly, i was welcomed with open arms. people liked me. i was small and easily excitable, and i was unpredictable and slightly rude. they loved it, god knows why. i made friends with a small group within the year who weren't as plastic-coated, and fifth year passed without any major fuckups.
sixth year was different. everyone was older than me, and soon everyone was going to the pub, and hitting the clubs, and i was left behind. my parents were strict, and i was too young, quickly getting too young for the crowd that threatened to swallow me up.
i backed away. i was scared by the sex and the drinking and the adulthood.
i found something in the fifth years at the time. they appealed to me more - they played guitar and hung out on the beach. they were as young as me, and i wanted to be like them. i gently poked my nose into their lives, and for a while i felt like i could belong again.
for a while.
things change, people change.
lack of understanding destroyed my friendship with the latter group. my life turned upside down, and no one could bring themselves to walk in my shoes. prejudice reigned. some whispered scornfully ("manipulative bitch") behind my back. i ignored it as best i could, and went on with trying to find myself a home.
then, i found him.
another unsure, wandering soul. another weirdo, another outsider.
i fell for him; my other half.
i don't romanticize it. i don't sugarcoat it.
he gets me. i get him.
and in the end, that's pretty much all you need.
trial and error.
i'm happy now.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
premature
Hi.
My name is Ayfa Çao Rebekah Twomey.
I'm nineteen years old,
and I'm tired of life.
I moved out of my parental home two years ago.
I pay bills.
I pay rent.
I pick up my social services payment every Thursday.
I've stopped making my own meals.
My new haircuts and piercings no longer thrill me.
I dream of sunnier times.
I want to be alone more and more.
People wear me out.
My friends are going, going, gone.
We're born, we grow up.
Growing up is all about discovery.
We discover life during childhood.
We discover ourselves during teenagehood.
We discover true love during adulthood.
We go to college, or get a job, and we get paid every week or month.
We meet someone.
We get married, or whatever our creed allows / dictates.
We have children.
Then the discovery is gone.
We've discovered life, ourselves, love, education, work, marriage, childbirth.
And then we wait to die.
Going, going...
I want him to say he loves me, just once.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
divinity
search for god in your own mind, first.
it might have already been mentioned that i am not, in any way, atheist or agnostic. in fact, i prefer to disassociate myself from all topics of religion in general. i am indifferent to most beliefs. that does not, however, mean that i don't enjoy talking and thinking about it. i may distance myself from the argument of whether god exists (how would i know? how would you know?), but i do like to ponder the topic of belief and faith in general.
to me, faith is a security blanket, brought on by the fear of death. most humans do not want to simply end when their physical life ceases. we are terrified by the unknown. we fear that which we do not understand. therefore, heaven and hell exist, and religious people feel secure in the knowledge that their everlasting souls are, indeed, everlasting. and i have no problem with this! if they believe that there is something more, let them. what i do not agree with, however, is the idea of hell. what loving, caring, forgiving god would send some of his beloved children to an eternity of suffering and pain? isn't his love supposed to encompass all? think about it.
and now. organised religion. a government in its own right. a following headed by the pope (the voice of god, yes, yes...) dominating a huge portion of the world. believe it or not, it can overthrow an entire government. to what end? those bishops and priests are humans, just like the rest of us. in my mind, they have no divine right over us. do i hear an echo of "we are all equal, but some are more equal than others"? forgive me, but i hate organised religion. let people make up their own minds before placing them into a creed. can newborn infants choose their own religion? no! they don't have a choice when "holy" water is splashed into their faces and they are suddenly children of god. they can't walk, they can't talk, and now they are christian. baptism should not occur until later in life, in my opinion. let people grow a personality, first. let them learn, and then let them make a choice.
the only thing i believe in is the power of human will. i refuse to be dictated by a set of laws written by a god i am not sure exists. i refuse to be led by this divine, invisible hierarchy. humans live amongst each other. humans understand humans, or at least try to. we share this earth, and we live or our lives, and so we should be allowed to make our choices, and to form our own moralities. people see problems with this because they don't know anything else. from birth they were brainwashed by society, and now they are walking along a line drawn by.. whom?
i am trying to break free.
i am trying to become myself.
will i ever succeed?
who knows?
to me, faith is a security blanket, brought on by the fear of death. most humans do not want to simply end when their physical life ceases. we are terrified by the unknown. we fear that which we do not understand. therefore, heaven and hell exist, and religious people feel secure in the knowledge that their everlasting souls are, indeed, everlasting. and i have no problem with this! if they believe that there is something more, let them. what i do not agree with, however, is the idea of hell. what loving, caring, forgiving god would send some of his beloved children to an eternity of suffering and pain? isn't his love supposed to encompass all? think about it.
and now. organised religion. a government in its own right. a following headed by the pope (the voice of god, yes, yes...) dominating a huge portion of the world. believe it or not, it can overthrow an entire government. to what end? those bishops and priests are humans, just like the rest of us. in my mind, they have no divine right over us. do i hear an echo of "we are all equal, but some are more equal than others"? forgive me, but i hate organised religion. let people make up their own minds before placing them into a creed. can newborn infants choose their own religion? no! they don't have a choice when "holy" water is splashed into their faces and they are suddenly children of god. they can't walk, they can't talk, and now they are christian. baptism should not occur until later in life, in my opinion. let people grow a personality, first. let them learn, and then let them make a choice.
the only thing i believe in is the power of human will. i refuse to be dictated by a set of laws written by a god i am not sure exists. i refuse to be led by this divine, invisible hierarchy. humans live amongst each other. humans understand humans, or at least try to. we share this earth, and we live or our lives, and so we should be allowed to make our choices, and to form our own moralities. people see problems with this because they don't know anything else. from birth they were brainwashed by society, and now they are walking along a line drawn by.. whom?
i am trying to break free.
i am trying to become myself.
will i ever succeed?
who knows?
and, in other news, i am doing fine. soul-searching is fun.
peace. ♥
Thursday, March 19, 2009
construct
just you try and stop me.so, random reader, i am still alive and breathing. it took a lot of tears (most of them swallowed, causing mild nausea), and a worrying lack of eating and sleeping before things began to settle again, and settle they did. unfortunately, a brief spate of bad depression had to be endured before my mind righted itself, and the worst thing about that low was that i was completely aware of what i was doing. unpleasant, yes. normally you're numbed to all things mundane when your mental health is at risk-level, but this time i knew i had to get myself out of it, and i knew i could make myself better. thanks to a little help from my other half and several other dear friends, i managed to make it back up to the surface.
and it seems that i'm better than ever! i made my own food (shock), cleaned myself up (shock), tidied my room (triple hxc shock) and made social plans for this evening (yes, another shock). a cleaning party for two has been arranged for the next obstacle: the kitchen (dread). i prefer cleaning in twos, though. we're all in this together, battling the balrog, etc.
apart from that, i'm taking a brief hiatus from most things virtual at the moment (exceptions include fleeting visits to social networking sites, blogging and dlsing). if i appear to be online at a given time, ASSUME OTHERWISE. i'm probably not in the mood to talk. nothing personal. true to my.. endearing custom, i may disappear without warning. likewise, nothing personal.
IN OTHER NEWS:
something fun for 2010?
tim burton's version of alice in wonderland, with johnny depp as the mad hatter (er.. let's pray that it isn't yet another jack sparrow-esque performance. the first four* were lovely, we are ready for change), alan rickman as the caterpillar (fuck yeah. fucking adore alan rickman.) AND stephen fry as the cheshire cat.
i do, however, have my doubts. it has the potential to turn into another nightmare before christmas, ie: emo fangirls with merchandise glued to their persons and ridiculously goffic / tweenaged target audience. please, mister burton, make it delicious.
the image of johnny depp on an emoteen's t-shirt haunts my thoughts.
then again. alan rickman as the caterpillar and stephen fry as the cheshire cat. it could be, for lack of a better word, FUCKING EPIC.
i'm hungry, again, so i'm going to fly. expect some more of these er, brusque blogs in future. i'm working on improving myself, and it takes time and effort.
wish me luck. ♥
* i may be biased, but in my opinion, depp's portrayal of willy wonka reminded me a little too much of cap'n jack sparrow. but that might be just me.
and it seems that i'm better than ever! i made my own food (shock), cleaned myself up (shock), tidied my room (triple hxc shock) and made social plans for this evening (yes, another shock). a cleaning party for two has been arranged for the next obstacle: the kitchen (dread). i prefer cleaning in twos, though. we're all in this together, battling the balrog, etc.
apart from that, i'm taking a brief hiatus from most things virtual at the moment (exceptions include fleeting visits to social networking sites, blogging and dlsing). if i appear to be online at a given time, ASSUME OTHERWISE. i'm probably not in the mood to talk. nothing personal. true to my.. endearing custom, i may disappear without warning. likewise, nothing personal.
IN OTHER NEWS:
something fun for 2010?
tim burton's version of alice in wonderland, with johnny depp as the mad hatter (er.. let's pray that it isn't yet another jack sparrow-esque performance. the first four* were lovely, we are ready for change), alan rickman as the caterpillar (fuck yeah. fucking adore alan rickman.) AND stephen fry as the cheshire cat.
i do, however, have my doubts. it has the potential to turn into another nightmare before christmas, ie: emo fangirls with merchandise glued to their persons and ridiculously goffic / tweenaged target audience. please, mister burton, make it delicious.
www.hecklerspray.com:while i disagree with most of this rather mordant remark made by an unnamed author (being a huge fan of the corpse bride and - to a lesser extent - sweeney todd, and charlie and co.), i grew progressively more worried as i pondered the complexities of this overtly-aggressive piece of literature. yes, i do understand that disney's rather wonderful take on alice was filled with cheery and colourful songs, but it would most certainly disturb me to have dear johnny, alan and stephen warbling along to "you can learn a lot of things from the flowers". no, thank you. i would prefer a truly insane hat-wearing tea-junkie, a huge, introspective and slightly dazed insect, and a crazed, riddle-loving catperson, PLEASE. nothing would please me more.
"Well, since Alice in Wonderland is a Tim Burton movie that stars Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter, it’s probably fair to describe it as Charlie And The Chocolate Factory but without all the boring parts where people break into song for no reason. Or, if you’re feeling kinder, Sweeney Todd but without all the boring parts where people break into song for no reason. Or, if you’re feeling kinder still, The Corpse Bride but without all the boring parts where people break into song for no reason.
Unless in Alice In Wonderland people do break into song for no reason. In which case we’re all buggered."
the image of johnny depp on an emoteen's t-shirt haunts my thoughts.
then again. alan rickman as the caterpillar and stephen fry as the cheshire cat. it could be, for lack of a better word, FUCKING EPIC.
i'm hungry, again, so i'm going to fly. expect some more of these er, brusque blogs in future. i'm working on improving myself, and it takes time and effort.
wish me luck. ♥
* i may be biased, but in my opinion, depp's portrayal of willy wonka reminded me a little too much of cap'n jack sparrow. but that might be just me.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Sunday, March 15, 2009
(c)hanging
hopeful.one of my best friends is going into surgery this morning. it's something she needs, and something she deserves, so i'm happy for her. but i know she's scared, and that makes me scared, and it makes me want to be there to hold her hand and tell her i'll see her soon. damn this, damn this distance and disconnection. i wish i could be there. this ocean has put a wall between myself and everyone out there. i'm isolated on a shitty little island, and there's nothing i can do about it. all of them can call or text each other whenever they want. hell, they can even visit each other if they have the money and time. then here i am, the irish girl, stuck way over here, playing along, pretending to belong. i'm bitter, so bitter, and i'm angry at myself for pitying myself. it's always about me.
but hey. that's life, isn't it? everyone is their own number one, when it boils down to it. sure, i have a boyfriend and a best friend without whom i would be a mere skeleton, but all the same. when something happens, i'm upset, and no one else matters. how fucking immature is that, huh? i can only hope that the rest of humanity is as selfish as i am, and i can be content in my own bubbling mire of self-deprecation.
maybe it's just because i'm by myself i'm feeling this. normally i have distractions. normally i have him to think about and look at and listen to, but not now. i have think about and look at and listen to myself, and hell - is that unpleasant. i'm selfish, i'm neurotic, i'm vain, i'm distanced, i'm hateful.
i'm changing.
slowly, but i'm changing. i'm beginning to see the reasoning in people's actions now, instead of hating them instantly and JUDGING JUDGING JUDGING. i'm remembering past mistakes, and misdeeds done by myself and other people. i'm trying to understand people's minds. i'm putting myself in their places, and pondering; "what do i do/think/say?" and it's working. i'm settling. i'm changing. i'm improving. i'm not as bitter as i used to be. sure, i go through phases, and i hate myself and the world and everyone that ever existed, but i'm beginning to come to terms with what i can't change. namely, the past, and geography.
silly little ayfa; that's who i've always been. i'm too sensitive. the world hurts me too much, and in capable hands my feelings would be safeguarded. i guess i should take better care of my mind.
maybe this is what growing up is like.
anyway. all the best, birdy. i know you'll come out fine. you'll be reading this afterwards, if you managed to trawl through the monster of a post, and you'll smile to yourself, knowing how silly we all have been.
but hey. that's life, isn't it? everyone is their own number one, when it boils down to it. sure, i have a boyfriend and a best friend without whom i would be a mere skeleton, but all the same. when something happens, i'm upset, and no one else matters. how fucking immature is that, huh? i can only hope that the rest of humanity is as selfish as i am, and i can be content in my own bubbling mire of self-deprecation.
maybe it's just because i'm by myself i'm feeling this. normally i have distractions. normally i have him to think about and look at and listen to, but not now. i have think about and look at and listen to myself, and hell - is that unpleasant. i'm selfish, i'm neurotic, i'm vain, i'm distanced, i'm hateful.
i'm changing.
slowly, but i'm changing. i'm beginning to see the reasoning in people's actions now, instead of hating them instantly and JUDGING JUDGING JUDGING. i'm remembering past mistakes, and misdeeds done by myself and other people. i'm trying to understand people's minds. i'm putting myself in their places, and pondering; "what do i do/think/say?" and it's working. i'm settling. i'm changing. i'm improving. i'm not as bitter as i used to be. sure, i go through phases, and i hate myself and the world and everyone that ever existed, but i'm beginning to come to terms with what i can't change. namely, the past, and geography.
silly little ayfa; that's who i've always been. i'm too sensitive. the world hurts me too much, and in capable hands my feelings would be safeguarded. i guess i should take better care of my mind.
maybe this is what growing up is like.
anyway. all the best, birdy. i know you'll come out fine. you'll be reading this afterwards, if you managed to trawl through the monster of a post, and you'll smile to yourself, knowing how silly we all have been.
go n-eirí an t-ádh leat!
i love you. ♥
i love you. ♥
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
submerged
take a deep breath before the plungei could lose my identity and control so easily.
i feel myself slipping even these days.
so incoherant, my thoughts are so disconnected.
the days just pass by me.
i prepare for the future, but secretly i don't believe it's going to happen.
i need an anchor to hold me,
and i'm sorry, but you can't do this.
it's not a relationship thing.
it's an ayfa thing.
and i need to sort it out.
i'll find it.
i'll find it.
i'll find a way up to the surface.
i feel myself slipping even these days.
so incoherant, my thoughts are so disconnected.
the days just pass by me.
i prepare for the future, but secretly i don't believe it's going to happen.
i need an anchor to hold me,
and i'm sorry, but you can't do this.
it's not a relationship thing.
it's an ayfa thing.
and i need to sort it out.
i'll find it.
i'll find it.
i'll find a way up to the surface.
Monday, March 2, 2009
face down
call it aftermath, she's turning bluethere are times in your life when you just want to build a wall around yourself, or live in a bubble, or destroy humanity. there are times in your life when everything just piles up, all at once, crowding into your brain. this is one of those times, for me. i keep thinking of him, of this, of them, of that, of the lack of all of those, of everything. my electricity bill arrived today, and i broke into a cold sweat on seeing the pleasant €380 at the bottom of it, and promptly rushed off to claim my unemployment benefit. when i got to the post office, i gave them my card so she could check my PPS number, and she took her sweet-ass time doing it. evidently there is nothing in the account. the account which is supposed to have nearly 1.5k in there. i did my wtf-face at her for a moment, then stormed out.
now, normally i would have been polite about it, but by a happy coincidence i had not slept a week the night before, riddled by anxiety and such. so you can understand my mood on returning to a boyfriendless, foodless apartment. not very impressed, i can tell you. i spent the rest of the day in the pained company of my invalid other half, only to be shooed home without a goodbye, too early for my liking.
i promised myself i wouldn't bitch.
so, anyway. tomorrow i am going to STORM into the social welfare dude, and DEMAND my fucking money. otherwise, the government is going to have my foot up its ass.
now, normally i would have been polite about it, but by a happy coincidence i had not slept a week the night before, riddled by anxiety and such. so you can understand my mood on returning to a boyfriendless, foodless apartment. not very impressed, i can tell you. i spent the rest of the day in the pained company of my invalid other half, only to be shooed home without a goodbye, too early for my liking.
i promised myself i wouldn't bitch.
so, anyway. tomorrow i am going to STORM into the social welfare dude, and DEMAND my fucking money. otherwise, the government is going to have my foot up its ass.
peace.
♥
Sunday, March 1, 2009
bewilderment
makeup-less and and trying.
i used to think you were invincible. i was always the one who was frail and needed care. you always minded me, and you always made sure i was feeling okay. it really rocks my being when the roles are reversed, and i'm the one hoping you'll feel better, i'm the one at home alone, waiting for them to let you go, come back to me. it just makes me ponder on the frailty of the human race. none of us are perfect flowers. we are all the same. a car will hurt you; a car will hurt me. we will all, at some stage, be reduced to a dependant, and we will all need looking after. we must always expect the unexpected. we can never be prepared, obviously, but we must accept that fact that we are not invincible, and we can all fall down.
i'll pick you up. you can lean on my shoulder. i'll make the call. i'll wait with you. i'll tell everyone else to shut up so you can have some space to breathe. i'll whisper into your ear about how you can sit around now, playing video games and watching tv for hours, you lucky bastard. i'll keep holding your hand on our way there, watching your flickering eyelids. i'll tell your mom you're alright, and help her give details. i'll wait outside. i'll keep waiting. and waiting. and waiting.
it felt so good to see your face again.
i'll pick you up. you can lean on my shoulder. i'll make the call. i'll wait with you. i'll tell everyone else to shut up so you can have some space to breathe. i'll whisper into your ear about how you can sit around now, playing video games and watching tv for hours, you lucky bastard. i'll keep holding your hand on our way there, watching your flickering eyelids. i'll tell your mom you're alright, and help her give details. i'll wait outside. i'll keep waiting. and waiting. and waiting.
it felt so good to see your face again.
why do we fall?
so we can learn to pick ourselves up.
peace.
♥
so we can learn to pick ourselves up.
peace.
♥
Friday, February 27, 2009
revolve
you'll never kill this cat.yes, i know, i have been neglecting this fledgling blog for quite some time. i've been really busy with life, and stuff. financial, romantical, social, literal. i've been having a good time, apart from the occasional hullucination. i finally got the government to cooperate with me and finally give me money to live on. little did i expect that i would be receiving a cheque amounting to nearly €2k. yeah. i know. i don't believe it either. i won't be spending a cent of it.
EXCEPT FOR:
catbus t-shirt.
possible septum piercing.
GAIA ITEMZ LOL
and food.
peace out.
♥
catbus t-shirt.
possible septum piercing.
GAIA ITEMZ LOL
and food.
yep. i can see a bright future.
okay, random reader (i hate the word 'random' way too overused), i'm gonna go. i have some stuff to do. i'll post more updates when i have time.
okay, random reader (i hate the word 'random' way too overused), i'm gonna go. i have some stuff to do. i'll post more updates when i have time.
peace out.
♥
Sunday, January 25, 2009
malady
this
sickness
is
killing
me
slowly
sickness
is
killing
me
slowly
i don't want to be infertile. i don't want pain. i don't want to sit on the floor of my bathroom, leaning against the door, trying to catch my breath, night in, night out. i don't want painkillers. i don't want to have to sleep it away. i don't want to have to double up in bed and cry about how unfair it is, how i don't deserve this. it feels like i'm rotting from the inside out, that something in there is burning and dying. i don't want you to worry about me. i'm sorry for pushing you away, it hurts for you to hug me.
this hurts so much.
vague enlightenment
sets you up for the day!
mmm, breakfast at nearly 6pm. i deserve it, don't give me that look. and you have to admit that orange juice, with melted cheese on toast covered with ham is a meal fit for damn hell ass kings, any time of day. well, i haven't even eaten them yet. they're cooking now. i woke up about three hours ago and munched on tortilla chips and old fanta from last night for a while, then got characteristically grumpy due to lack of food and now...
SUCCESS. what an explosion of flavour! a feast for the palate! a culinary delight! my god, my talents surpass even nigella lawson.
the pub last night was great. the music was good, mocking whorebitches was entertaining, and discovering that the people you used to have even a modicum of respect for are total idiots was enlightening. what the hell, though. there is no need for a guy to wear sunglasses in the midde of winter, at night, indoors. that's just begging for social exclusion. and there is no need for the aforementioned guy to thank you for buying a pint for by MESSING UP YOURS.
several hours later..
last night was brilliant all the same. they played the beatles, muse, bob marley, all my lovely stuff... oh, and the pulp fiction theme tune... what is that, anyway? to put a long story short, i had a great time. i don't care about a guy who used to be in love with me spending his entire night aspiring to show me that i'm having a shit life, whereas his alcohol-soaked, tortured-artist existance is the most blissful and recommended state of being. what a total idiot; i have faaaar far more respect for myself than to let immature things like that bother me. yes, losing half a pint and those two douchebags toasting over it WAS malicious and unwarranted, but let them. i've moved on, left them well behind.
and in other news, louise deserves a fucking medal. mediator extraordinaire and big sister to die for, i absolutely love her! she's mah bestie, as scobes and scene kids say. aww.
other things are nice. spent most of the day snuggling; i believe it is actually good for your health. as are nice short showers full of furious scrubbing and shampoo in your eyes, and giggling and falling over and so on. i'm sleepy now.
might not go out tonight.
eh.
we shall see.
peace out.
♥
SUCCESS. what an explosion of flavour! a feast for the palate! a culinary delight! my god, my talents surpass even nigella lawson.
the pub last night was great. the music was good, mocking whorebitches was entertaining, and discovering that the people you used to have even a modicum of respect for are total idiots was enlightening. what the hell, though. there is no need for a guy to wear sunglasses in the midde of winter, at night, indoors. that's just begging for social exclusion. and there is no need for the aforementioned guy to thank you for buying a pint for by MESSING UP YOURS.
several hours later..
last night was brilliant all the same. they played the beatles, muse, bob marley, all my lovely stuff... oh, and the pulp fiction theme tune... what is that, anyway? to put a long story short, i had a great time. i don't care about a guy who used to be in love with me spending his entire night aspiring to show me that i'm having a shit life, whereas his alcohol-soaked, tortured-artist existance is the most blissful and recommended state of being. what a total idiot; i have faaaar far more respect for myself than to let immature things like that bother me. yes, losing half a pint and those two douchebags toasting over it WAS malicious and unwarranted, but let them. i've moved on, left them well behind.
and in other news, louise deserves a fucking medal. mediator extraordinaire and big sister to die for, i absolutely love her! she's mah bestie, as scobes and scene kids say. aww.
other things are nice. spent most of the day snuggling; i believe it is actually good for your health. as are nice short showers full of furious scrubbing and shampoo in your eyes, and giggling and falling over and so on. i'm sleepy now.
might not go out tonight.
eh.
we shall see.
peace out.
♥
Friday, January 23, 2009
parasite
sluggish.i took the day off work today. pointless, really, since tomorrow is my last day. wooo, redundancy. fuck the recession.. i was having a good time in that little shop. i was paid well, and the hours were more than ideal. fat chance of getting that wonderful opportunity again. so now i'm just vegetating, skimming through my social networking sites - curse them - and looking up random poetry shit. god, i delude myself with visions of grandeur, and here i am, jobless and stupid, lying in my bed, alone.
the key-word there was alone, if you noticed it. i'm not going to bother the general public with my confessions of a girlfriend made of fail, but i just need to get this burden off my shoulders. how in god's name does one go about saying it? must it be in a ridiculously romantic setting? candles and drapes and a dinner for two? sunsets, beaches, mountains, puppies, lingerie, down on one knee kind of thing? because if there's one thing i i'm totally clueless about, it's love and romance. when the hell have i ever had that? i literally TOLD people NOT to say the L word to me, honest to god. infatuation was a factor, obviously, but i never had a candlelit dinner, or walks on the beach holding hands, or adoring gazes, or, well.. anything. i've avoided it, if you want me to tell the truth. i've actually pushed people away if they got too lovey-dovey on me, because i had this big cool "i don't care" image about me and i stayed true to it, until now.
i'm so screwed, random reader. i was born with my romance count in the minus numbers. i sneer at those simpering couples with their massive flashing I LOVE YOU signs over their heads. i get uncomfortable watching overly romantic movies. i wonder what's wrong with me, what this mental block i have is. maybe it's an actual condition, triggered by erm, non-existant childhood experiences... who am i kidding, i'm just scared of myself.
and that's what's gotten me into trouble. my relationship seems to be falling apart, drifting without that lovely love anchor everyone else in the world seems to have. i'm so starved, it feels like my heart is eating itself.
o, random reader, i implore your aid. if you ever read this - HIGHLY unlikely - please tell me how you achieved that momentous feat yourself. did you jump the hurdle by means of a table for two? was it a blissfully perfect beach encounter? and most importantly, was it multiplied by two? i dream of the day when i'll have the courage to adhere to that mythical tradition. when somehow "having sex" is turned into "making love", and life is suddenly perfect and painfree.
now, i'm going to watch some anime, because i'm cool like that.
peace out.
♥
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
