divinity

search for god in your own mind, first.

it might have already been mentioned that i am not, in any way, atheist or agnostic. in fact, i prefer to disassociate myself from all topics of religion in general. i am indifferent to most beliefs. that does not, however, mean that i don't enjoy talking and thinking about it. i may distance myself from the argument of whether god exists (how would i know? how would you know?), but i do like to ponder the topic of belief and faith in general.

to me, faith is a security blanket, brought on by the fear of death. most humans do not want to simply end when their physical life ceases. we are terrified by the unknown. we fear that which we do not understand. therefore, heaven and hell exist, and religious people feel secure in the knowledge that their everlasting souls are, indeed, everlasting. and i have no problem with this! if they believe that there is something more, let them. what i do not agree with, however, is the idea of hell. what loving, caring, forgiving god would send some of his beloved children to an eternity of suffering and pain? isn't his love supposed to encompass all? think about it.

and now. organised religion. a government in its own right. a following headed by the pope (the voice of god, yes, yes...) dominating a huge portion of the world. believe it or not, it can overthrow an entire government. to what end? those bishops and priests are humans, just like the rest of us. in my mind, they have no divine right over us. do i hear an echo of "we are all equal, but some are more equal than others"? forgive me, but i hate organised religion. let people make up their own minds before placing them into a creed. can newborn infants choose their own religion? no! they don't have a choice when "holy" water is splashed into their faces and they are suddenly children of god. they can't walk, they can't talk, and now they are christian. baptism should not occur until later in life, in my opinion. let people grow a personality, first. let them learn, and then let them make a choice.

the only thing i believe in is the power of human will. i refuse to be dictated by a set of laws written by a god i am not sure exists. i refuse to be led by this divine, invisible hierarchy. humans live amongst each other. humans understand humans, or at least try to. we share this earth, and we live or our lives, and so we should be allowed to make our choices, and to form our own moralities. people see problems with this because they don't know anything else. from birth they were brainwashed by society, and now they are walking along a line drawn by.. whom?

i am trying to break free.
i am trying to become myself.
will i ever succeed?
who knows?

and, in other news, i am doing fine. soul-searching is fun.
peace. ♥

construct

just you try and stop me.

so, random reader, i am still alive and breathing. it took a lot of tears (most of them swallowed, causing mild nausea), and a worrying lack of eating and sleeping before things began to settle again, and settle they did. unfortunately, a brief spate of bad depression had to be endured before my mind righted itself, and the worst thing about that low was that i was completely aware of what i was doing. unpleasant, yes. normally you're numbed to all things mundane when your mental health is at risk-level, but this time i knew i had to get myself out of it, and i knew i could make myself better. thanks to a little help from my other half and several other dear friends, i managed to make it back up to the surface.

and it seems that i'm better than ever! i made my own food (shock), cleaned myself up (shock), tidied my room (triple hxc shock) and made social plans for this evening (yes, another shock). a cleaning party for two has been arranged for the next obstacle: the kitchen (dread). i prefer cleaning in twos, though. we're all in this together, battling the balrog, etc.

apart from that, i'm taking a brief hiatus from most things virtual at the moment (exceptions include fleeting visits to social networking sites, blogging and dlsing). if i appear to be online at a given time, ASSUME OTHERWISE. i'm probably not in the mood to talk. nothing personal. true to my.. endearing custom, i may disappear without warning. likewise, nothing personal.



IN OTHER NEWS:
something fun for 2010?
tim burton's version of alice in wonderland, with johnny depp as the mad hatter (er.. let's pray that it isn't yet another jack sparrow-esque performance. the first four* were lovely, we are ready for change), alan rickman as the caterpillar (fuck yeah. fucking adore alan rickman.) AND stephen fry as the cheshire cat.

i do, however, have my doubts. it has the potential to turn into another nightmare before christmas, ie: emo fangirls with merchandise glued to their persons and ridiculously goffic / tweenaged target audience. please, mister burton, make it delicious.

www.hecklerspray.com:
"Well, since Alice in Wonderland is a Tim Burton movie that stars Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter, it’s probably fair to describe it as Charlie And The Chocolate Factory but without all the boring parts where people break into song for no reason. Or, if you’re feeling kinder, Sweeney Todd but without all the boring parts where people break into song for no reason. Or, if you’re feeling kinder still, The Corpse Bride but without all the boring parts where people break into song for no reason.

Unless in Alice In Wonderland people do break into song for no reason. In which case we’re all buggered."

while i disagree with most of this rather mordant remark made by an unnamed author (being a huge fan of the corpse bride and - to a lesser extent - sweeney todd, and charlie and co.), i grew progressively more worried as i pondered the complexities of this overtly-aggressive piece of literature. yes, i do understand that disney's rather wonderful take on alice was filled with cheery and colourful songs, but it would most certainly disturb me to have dear johnny, alan and stephen warbling along to "you can learn a lot of things from the flowers". no, thank you. i would prefer a truly insane hat-wearing tea-junkie, a huge, introspective and slightly dazed insect, and a crazed, riddle-loving catperson, PLEASE. nothing would please me more.

the image of johnny depp on an emoteen's t-shirt haunts my thoughts.

then again. alan rickman as the caterpillar and stephen fry as the cheshire cat. it could be, for lack of a better word, FUCKING EPIC.


i'm hungry, again, so i'm going to fly. expect some more of these er, brusque blogs in future. i'm working on improving myself, and it takes time and effort.

wish me luck. ♥


* i may be biased, but in my opinion, depp's portrayal of willy wonka reminded me a little too much of cap'n jack sparrow. but that might be just me.

Luke says:
i don't have the guts to break up with you.




my chest is caving in

(c)hanging

hopeful.

one of my best friends is going into surgery this morning. it's something she needs, and something she deserves, so i'm happy for her. but i know she's scared, and that makes me scared, and it makes me want to be there to hold her hand and tell her i'll see her soon. damn this, damn this distance and disconnection. i wish i could be there. this ocean has put a wall between myself and everyone out there. i'm isolated on a shitty little island, and there's nothing i can do about it. all of them can call or text each other whenever they want. hell, they can even visit each other if they have the money and time. then here i am, the irish girl, stuck way over here, playing along, pretending to belong. i'm bitter, so bitter, and i'm angry at myself for pitying myself. it's always about me.

but hey. that's life, isn't it? everyone is their own number one, when it boils down to it. sure, i have a boyfriend and a best friend without whom i would be a mere skeleton, but all the same. when something happens, i'm upset, and no one else matters. how fucking immature is that, huh? i can only hope that the rest of humanity is as selfish as i am, and i can be content in my own bubbling mire of self-deprecation.

maybe it's just because i'm by myself i'm feeling this. normally i have distractions. normally i have him to think about and look at and listen to, but not now. i have think about and look at and listen to myself, and hell - is that unpleasant. i'm selfish, i'm neurotic, i'm vain, i'm distanced, i'm hateful.




i'm changing.
slowly, but i'm changing. i'm beginning to see the reasoning in people's actions now, instead of hating them instantly and JUDGING JUDGING JUDGING. i'm remembering past mistakes, and misdeeds done by myself and other people. i'm trying to understand people's minds. i'm putting myself in their places, and pondering; "what do i do/think/say?" and it's working. i'm settling. i'm changing. i'm improving. i'm not as bitter as i used to be. sure, i go through phases, and i hate myself and the world and everyone that ever existed, but i'm beginning to come to terms with what i can't change. namely, the past, and geography.

silly little ayfa; that's who i've always been. i'm too sensitive. the world hurts me too much, and in capable hands my feelings would be safeguarded. i guess i should take better care of my mind.
maybe this is what growing up is like.


anyway. all the best, birdy. i know you'll come out fine. you'll be reading this afterwards, if you managed to trawl through the monster of a post, and you'll smile to yourself, knowing how silly we all have been.

go n-eirí an t-ádh leat!
i love you. ♥

submerged

take a deep breath before the plunge

i could lose my identity and control so easily.
i feel myself slipping even these days.
so incoherant, my thoughts are so disconnected.

the days just pass by me.
i prepare for the future, but secretly i don't believe it's going to happen.
i need an anchor to hold me,
and i'm sorry, but you can't do this.
it's not a relationship thing.
it's an ayfa thing.
and i need to sort it out.

i'll find it.
i'll find it.
i'll find a way up to the surface.

face down

call it aftermath, she's turning blue

there are times in your life when you just want to build a wall around yourself, or live in a bubble, or destroy humanity. there are times in your life when everything just piles up, all at once, crowding into your brain. this is one of those times, for me. i keep thinking of him, of this, of them, of that, of the lack of all of those, of everything. my electricity bill arrived today, and i broke into a cold sweat on seeing the pleasant €380 at the bottom of it, and promptly rushed off to claim my unemployment benefit. when i got to the post office, i gave them my card so she could check my PPS number, and she took her sweet-ass time doing it. evidently there is nothing in the account. the account which is supposed to have nearly 1.5k in there. i did my wtf-face at her for a moment, then stormed out.

now, normally i would have been polite about it, but by a happy coincidence i had not slept a week the night before, riddled by anxiety and such. so you can understand my mood on returning to a boyfriendless, foodless apartment. not very impressed, i can tell you. i spent the rest of the day in the pained company of my invalid other half, only to be shooed home without a goodbye, too early for my liking.

i promised myself i wouldn't bitch.
so, anyway. tomorrow i am going to STORM into the social welfare dude, and DEMAND my fucking money. otherwise, the government is going to have my foot up its ass.

peace.

♥

bewilderment

makeup-less and and trying.

i used to think you were invincible. i was always the one who was frail and needed care. you always minded me, and you always made sure i was feeling okay. it really rocks my being when the roles are reversed, and i'm the one hoping you'll feel better, i'm the one at home alone, waiting for them to let you go, come back to me. it just makes me ponder on the frailty of the human race. none of us are perfect flowers. we are all the same. a car will hurt you; a car will hurt me. we will all, at some stage, be reduced to a dependant, and we will all need looking after. we must always expect the unexpected. we can never be prepared, obviously, but we must accept that fact that we are not invincible, and we can all fall down.

i'll pick you up. you can lean on my shoulder. i'll make the call. i'll wait with you. i'll tell everyone else to shut up so you can have some space to breathe. i'll whisper into your ear about how you can sit around now, playing video games and watching tv for hours, you lucky bastard. i'll keep holding your hand on our way there, watching your flickering eyelids. i'll tell your mom you're alright, and help her give details. i'll wait outside. i'll keep waiting. and waiting. and waiting.

it felt so good to see your face again.

why do we fall?
so we can learn to pick ourselves up.

peace.
♥