hopeful.one of my best friends is going into surgery this morning. it's something she needs, and something she deserves, so i'm happy for her. but i know she's scared, and that makes me scared, and it makes me want to be there to hold her hand and tell her i'll see her soon. damn this, damn this distance and disconnection. i wish i could be there. this ocean has put a wall between myself and everyone out there. i'm isolated on a shitty little island, and there's nothing i can do about it. all of them can call or text each other whenever they want. hell, they can even visit each other if they have the money and time. then here i am, the irish girl, stuck way over here, playing along, pretending to belong. i'm bitter, so bitter, and i'm angry at myself for pitying myself. it's always about me.
but hey. that's life, isn't it? everyone is their own number one, when it boils down to it. sure, i have a boyfriend and a best friend without whom i would be a mere skeleton, but all the same. when something happens, i'm upset, and no one else matters. how fucking immature is that, huh? i can only hope that the rest of humanity is as selfish as i am, and i can be content in my own bubbling mire of self-deprecation.
maybe it's just because i'm by myself i'm feeling this. normally i have distractions. normally i have him to think about and look at and listen to, but not now. i have think about and look at and listen to myself, and hell - is that unpleasant. i'm selfish, i'm neurotic, i'm vain, i'm distanced, i'm hateful.
i'm changing.
slowly, but i'm changing. i'm beginning to see the reasoning in people's actions now, instead of hating them instantly and JUDGING JUDGING JUDGING. i'm remembering past mistakes, and misdeeds done by myself and other people. i'm trying to understand people's minds. i'm putting myself in their places, and pondering; "what do i do/think/say?" and it's working. i'm settling. i'm changing. i'm improving. i'm not as bitter as i used to be. sure, i go through phases, and i hate myself and the world and everyone that ever existed, but i'm beginning to come to terms with what i can't change. namely, the past, and geography.
silly little ayfa; that's who i've always been. i'm too sensitive. the world hurts me too much, and in capable hands my feelings would be safeguarded. i guess i should take better care of my mind.
maybe this is what growing up is like.
anyway. all the best, birdy. i know you'll come out fine. you'll be reading this afterwards, if you managed to trawl through the monster of a post, and you'll smile to yourself, knowing how silly we all have been.
but hey. that's life, isn't it? everyone is their own number one, when it boils down to it. sure, i have a boyfriend and a best friend without whom i would be a mere skeleton, but all the same. when something happens, i'm upset, and no one else matters. how fucking immature is that, huh? i can only hope that the rest of humanity is as selfish as i am, and i can be content in my own bubbling mire of self-deprecation.
maybe it's just because i'm by myself i'm feeling this. normally i have distractions. normally i have him to think about and look at and listen to, but not now. i have think about and look at and listen to myself, and hell - is that unpleasant. i'm selfish, i'm neurotic, i'm vain, i'm distanced, i'm hateful.
i'm changing.
slowly, but i'm changing. i'm beginning to see the reasoning in people's actions now, instead of hating them instantly and JUDGING JUDGING JUDGING. i'm remembering past mistakes, and misdeeds done by myself and other people. i'm trying to understand people's minds. i'm putting myself in their places, and pondering; "what do i do/think/say?" and it's working. i'm settling. i'm changing. i'm improving. i'm not as bitter as i used to be. sure, i go through phases, and i hate myself and the world and everyone that ever existed, but i'm beginning to come to terms with what i can't change. namely, the past, and geography.
silly little ayfa; that's who i've always been. i'm too sensitive. the world hurts me too much, and in capable hands my feelings would be safeguarded. i guess i should take better care of my mind.
maybe this is what growing up is like.
anyway. all the best, birdy. i know you'll come out fine. you'll be reading this afterwards, if you managed to trawl through the monster of a post, and you'll smile to yourself, knowing how silly we all have been.
go n-eirí an t-ádh leat!
i love you. ♥
i love you. ♥
<3 Love you too, hon.
ReplyDeleteAnd I am going to visit you eventually. I promise you that--I need me some Ayfa time! We can go somewhere by the sea and just hang out and yap, or sit and make up constellations, or something. Now that I'm on my way to health, I'll be able to get a job, finish school, and have money for stuff. There's a study abroad program in Ireland, so I might do that to finish out part of my studies. Then we can have tons of weekend hangouts and the like.
Your text this morning made me smile, and warmed my heart. Thank you so much. <3
:] I hope the good times come back for you, when we were all young and pretending we didn't care about each other because we were just Internet "friends". I hope those days return, but with your "friends" being "friends" without quotation marks. <3
ReplyDelete