belong

prolong.

i never was a big fan of "cliques". i never really followed a "crowd". and, thinking retrospectively, i was always outside any inner sanctum of people. sure, i hung around with groups, and chatted and talked and confided, but i always felt disconnected. i hadn't shared my childhood with any of these people. i hadn't grown up with them. i didn't feel as wanted as them. maybe that's because of the fact that i was always in flux during my childhood and teenaged years. always moving country, or house, or school. always leaving a group of friends to try and fit in with another, and i always knew that i never would.

it started in dublin. i spent my first year of school there, and the general consensus was that the people who knew each other from kindergarten were super cool, and the other kids were outsiders.
i moved to cork in senior infants. i was the new girl, and everyone stared, and people were quiet and careful around me, and the teachers didn't know what to think. i don't remember who my friend was, then.
we moved to primary school. i began to fit in, and those six years were the longest period of friendships in my life. i made two really great friends: sandra and elaine, and we drew and traded pokémon cards to our hearts' content.
towards the end of primary school, people started to change. decisions had to be made, and some of us went to a school outside our town. the majority went to the local community school. i wasn't very familiar with the girls i was moving with, but i liked them.
secondary school began. first year was awkward at first. groups tip-toed around each other, trying to find openings and similarities, and eventually we began to settle, and understand each other. second year was more comfortable, and third year was a riot of rivalries and activity.
my parents decided to change my school, then. i raged and ranted and stormed and argued and ignored, but they wouldn't change their minds. i was going to go to a school where i knew no one, and where no one knew me. my first day was agonising. i imagined all the girls in my old school, and i was furiously jealous of the new friendships they would forge while i struggled to fit in, ONCE again.
surprisingly, i was welcomed with open arms. people liked me. i was small and easily excitable, and i was unpredictable and slightly rude. they loved it, god knows why. i made friends with a small group within the year who weren't as plastic-coated, and fifth year passed without any major fuckups.
sixth year was different. everyone was older than me, and soon everyone was going to the pub, and hitting the clubs, and i was left behind. my parents were strict, and i was too young, quickly getting too young for the crowd that threatened to swallow me up.
i backed away. i was scared by the sex and the drinking and the adulthood.
i found something in the fifth years at the time. they appealed to me more - they played guitar and hung out on the beach. they were as young as me, and i wanted to be like them. i gently poked my nose into their lives, and for a while i felt like i could belong again.
for a while.

things change, people change.
lack of understanding destroyed my friendship with the latter group. my life turned upside down, and no one could bring themselves to walk in my shoes. prejudice reigned. some whispered scornfully ("manipulative bitch") behind my back. i ignored it as best i could, and went on with trying to find myself a home.

then, i found him.
another unsure, wandering soul. another weirdo, another outsider.
i fell for him; my other half.
i don't romanticize it. i don't sugarcoat it.
he gets me. i get him.




and in the end, that's pretty much all you need.
trial and error.
i'm happy now.